I remember when my dad died; a lot of lists, a lot of people to see, things to buy, meetings held, budget drafted and re-drafted, and each group had their demands which must be met. We managed to scrape funds together with some help from people, buried him and performed the accompanying funeral rites. At the end of it all, my mum came one day and said someone told her that he/she (can't remember the gender) 'saw' my dad and he told him/her that he was not happy with us, as we did not bury him properly!! I laughed and told my mum to tell the person to tell my dad when next he/she 'sees' him to come and tell me where he kept the millions we should have used to bury him 'properly'.
An older friend told me about how a man from his kindred told them that the reason why they were not progressing in their family was because they did not kill a cow for their father when he died; a man who died decades ago when my friend was still a child. He didn't believe them and wave it aside. However, his mother and his younger brother (who unfortunately was going through some hard times at the time) pressured and emotionally blackmailed him into killing the cow, as they believed it was the cause of their financial setback. Don't ask me if they've become very rich and successful now that they've killed the cow which the kinsmen shared!
In Igbo land, when a loved one dies, you are faced with dealing with the loss of a loved one, with all the emotions accompanying it; and to add to that, you have to deal with the expenses that go into planning a burial and the funeral rites. It doesn't matter if the person had been sick for years and a lot of funds expended on hospital treatments, God forbid that you just bury the person and call it a day!! You must spend more money to bury and perform the accompanying funeral rites or you'd be asked if the person who died was a mere 'chicken'. When you see an Igbo man or woman crying over the demise of a loved one, you need to understand that the above points are the reasons for the wailing and the blank, confused gaze they sometimes have when you visit them to condole with them over their loss.
I have told them to bury me at the Gudu cemetary here in Abuja, if I die in Abuja, or the nearest cemetery as the case may be, and move on with their lives. The millions wasted in burying the dead in Igbo land could be used to empower the living. Some incur debts during the burial and spend months paying off, to what end? Will it cause the dead to rise again?
In western climes, even our muslim brothers, when a family loses a loved one, people bring food and things they feel the grieving family would need, in a bid to make their mourning easier for them. However, for my people, you'd be the one that would cook and feed people for days!!! Some kinsmen would literally live in your compound eating and drinking throughout the duration of the funeral. Each group would come with their own demands and different dishes would be prepared for them or they'd complain how they came for burial and was not treated well.
Tell me why someone would not have high blood pressure thinking about all these??
Now we come to the people who would paint their house, or even keep the dead in a mortuary for months while they build a house and do all sorts. I ask them, are all that for the dead person or for yourselves? Some wouldn't treat the person well while alive, but want to give him/her a 'befitting' burial. What is that?! I see all that as an attempt to boost their own selfish ego and please the public, who really do not care.
The best thing you can do for a loved one is to show that you love them while they are alive. Be there for them and take care of them to the best of your ability, when they die, they would be at peace and your mind too, knowing that you gave them love and care. All that extra na wash!!, as my people would say.
I think it's high time we change that aspect of our culture; we're getting there though. I remember when the mourning period in Igbo land was one whole year! A widow would wear white or black to everywhere for a whole year!! Don't ask me why men don't do the same when their wives die. Some communities have reduced it to six months, some three months. We are improving.
We might have to be radical about this, if we want to really implement it in this generation. Burials should not be turned into the fanfare that they have become. A person should be able to bury their dead however he/she desires without fear of getting ostracized or mocked. We need to talk to our parents, and stand up to some greedy kinsmen who wish to milk a grieving family dry so they can share meat and drinks. These kinsmen are not ghosts, or strangers, they are made up of people's parents and when we start talking to them, we'd get the change we need. Spending all that money doesn't make any sense. I envy the Muslims in this regard, they simply bury the dead immediately and life goes on.
Agree or disagree??
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